Sonlight vs....

Last night in the wee hours I wrote this post and then I quickly took it down. It didn't express everything that I wanted it to and it didn't sound the way I wanted it to. I didn't know that it would still show up in rss feeds and on blogger reader! So my main readers are going to see it anyway! So for better or for worse, here are some late night ramblings....

I worry that my oldest son is really missing out because I focus so much on my younger 3 + the neighbor.

Is he doing enough to be prepared for high school? I just don't know.

And what will he be using for high school? That is really the question of the hour.

I was all set to switch to My Father's World curriculum when Luke left me the nicest comment. It caused me to remember why I had chosen Sonlight in the first place and what a wonderful family the Holzmanns are and how much I had learned from them.I wish I could articulate the kind of Christian I was and who I am today in Christ.

For one thing, I didn't always realize that there is not one (agreed upon)Christian way. When I first got my SL science materials and read the article on young old, old earth I was totally shocked! I had always been taught "YOUNG EARTH ONLY...or else!" I did not know there were Christians who believed in the old earth theory. So I am supposed to weigh the evidence and decide which of these I believe.

Wow! I did not know that could be trusted with a decision like this!

I love the way SL is so open. They aren't afraid. They even include a section on the website and in the catalog called "reasons not to buy Sonlight".

My Christian faith was always afraid. Afraid that if I let my 2 year old watch Barney, he might grow up to believe that rainbows are made when elephants sneeze. And I still feel a little bit "bad" when on occasion I listen to secular music.That doesn't sound like a strong faith to me!

Now instead of only presenting one side(the side I believe to be right) to my kids, I present what I believe and WHY. AND I include what others believe(when appropriate, of course) and why I disagree. My kids are ages 7-13, I don't know that I would present both sides to a toddler and let him decide! ;) Their faith is STRONG.And their beliefs are their own. And when they leave my house, they won't be blindsided by another point of view after a lifetime of only hearing one side of things.

Whew...I got a little winded there giving that example, so I am going to end it there! ;)

Lighten UP!

School has started and I still don't feel it "in the air". So much for that theory.

Today we started so late, but still did mostly everything. I didn't sleep well and couldn't drag myself up.I was tempted to stay down and just do nothing for the day, but it eventually occured to me that sometimes you just have to lighten up. When things seem like they are rock bottom, there is nothing to lose in having a little sense of humor. So instead of feeling bad, I just started from where I was.

It is hard for me to see that I am still the same person no matter what is going on. I want to feel good about myself when I act good. But God isn't so fickle.He continues to grow me and use and change me. I don't need to rush Him or question His timing or help Him along.And I don't need to clean myself up on my own.

I am really enjoying this time of review. My confidence is really building.On Sept. 15, 3 of the kids will begin Time4Learning again, so I guess we will have to tweak things again. I am anxious to see if I feel like I still need it. It was such a life saver last year!!!

Express yourself

I think alot of my stress related problems stem from the fact that I feel like my opinion doesn't count and/or matter. I think THAT belief is rooted in the fact that I a first born, a pleaser by nature.

When Joe broke his foot, we had to spend a few weeks at his parents house. They have digital cable and we watched alot of TV. We discovered the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8", about parents who have twins and then septuplets. Yes, Kate can be kind of harsh at times, but one thing I learned from her is that she speaks her mind. Like she will shoo all the kids out of the kitchen, saying "It's too crowded in here, I need space!"

A light bulb went off for me. I would never say that, I would just be stressed about it.As simple as that seems, I realized I needed to speak up more. It wasn't doing anyone any good that I was just going along because, sure I was going along, but my attitude wasn't good, and no one was having fun anyway. And I didn't even realize I was doing this!!!

I have developed some bad habits to cope w/ all the stress. Like emotional eating or running out and buying a snack or a fountain drink. I realized that I was doing these things for enjoyment, comfort, stress relief because I wasn't getting it in my daily life. and these responses don't help anything, mostly just make things worse.

So I have been determined to actively deal with things instead of compensating w/ snacks or drinks or whatever.

It's good that I am working on this because God seems to also be having me work on not quitting.Even when things get hard. Or even unbearable.

A verse that jumped off the page yesterday"Surely His mercy and goodness shall follow me all the days of my life". I felt like it was just for me. And I have repeated it to myself several times. I think I am beginning to understand how you can have hope in the midst of trials...

I'm not cut out for homeschooling

But God has other plans. I love to learn, I love sharing what I know, esp. w/ my kids. But I just don't seem to have the stamina, the organization that I think one should have to homeschool.

When we found out about dyslexia, dysgraphia and a whole host of other challenges. I gave up on homeschooling and felt darn good about it!

But God...
Long story short, school didnt' work out and I don't mean in a small way. In a huge, no-doubt-left-in-your-mind-way that makes it clear this is not an option.

So here we are. Why do I say these negative things about myself???!

I think people should know that you don't have to be perfect(or anywhere near it, apparantly!) to homeschool.

Or to do anything else that God calls you to do, that on your own, you just can't do.

I am not saying that God always calls you to do something that seems impossible, but when He does, He gets all the glory, because you know it certainly wasn't YOU!

God doesn't need my help

I am so glad He doesn't need my help. Well, most of the time.

alot of the time, I try to be God's little helper OR I totally act like a toddler screaming "NO! ME DO IT!!"

I am a first born, and a raging perfectionist. If you do not suffer from this affliction, you don't know how crippling it can be. Sometimes I just find myself immobilized w/ indecision.

It is a real struggle for me to not to constantly worry about doing things right.

I have to continually place my trust in God, that He will guide me. He'll stop me if I am wrong and nudge me if I need to go. I don't need to obsess.

If I miss it, He will tell me again.

more on hope and joy

I do think there is some level to choosing to hope and choosing to have joy even if you dont' "feel" like it.

But, I contend that you can't just have joy and hope through sheer force of will.

When life starts boiling ya, what bubbles to the surface?

I think faith, hope, joy and love has to grow and develop...

Hope and Joy

I have gotten really good at saying no and knowing our limits.

Usually only one of us will volunteer/commit to something. That helps cut down on the crazy because that leaves one of us to man the homefront while the other person can fully commit to the outside activity.

I don't even have the words to accurately describe the last several weeks. I have been pushed to my limit, and then beyond. Then pushed beyond that.

Talking it out seems to help. I don't mean listing complaints, but really revealing inside feelings and details. After talking to Joe on Friday, admitting I just can't do all this, admitting I don't seem to have Christian hope or joy...I am feeling more hope and joy.

Maybe I came to the end of mySELF and now am free to rely on God...maybe I had unrealistic expectations about how much hope and joy I should have. And what that should look like.

I think that I didn't know how to have hope and joy in the midst of a bad circumstance. In a way, I was putting "have hope and joy" on a mental to-do list..

Through these hard times, I believe that I learned how to have hope.

Can't we all just get along?

God made us all different.

I am a homeschooling mom to my CORE. I am not always good at it, I have taken breaks from it, I have even tried to quit! But at the end of the day I am a homeschooler, by that I don't mean so much an educator, but a MOM. Whenever I think of God's calling on my life, His will for my life, I think of my family, my neighborhood, simple things.

Now, please hear me. I feel these things so strongly, that I cannot understand why someone would want a career while their child goes to daycare. I do not mean that I think that daycare or career is wrong; I mean that I cannot imagine myself doing it.

When I was younger, I would have just felt superior.Of course I am older now and I realize that they feel as right about career and daycare as I do about homeschooling.

When I imagine how another person is feeling and try to understand and see how they see it...I am showing love to that other person. If I act as if I am "at war" w/ those who aren't like me, what purpose does that serve? Well, for one, it divides us, into "the group who agrees w/ me" and "the the group who doesn't". I am not going to convince many people to cross over to my side by belittling them.

Ok, I guess it really doesn't matter if I never "convert" someone to my belief on education or family. But it does matter when it relates to sharing our faith and showing God's love.

I really want to be a genuine Christian. I want other people to see the love of Christ displayed in me.

Jesus ate with sinners. How do you think he treated them? I think He smiled. I think He was humble. I think He spoke the truth in love.

Really, my big problem is the way Christians treat other Christians. When are we going to get that there is NOT one right way of living out the Christian faith?! You know what would be a huge witness to the world? If a Christian biker chick and a head covering lady had a bible study together. I am not talking about a new world religion, I am talking about we agree on so much! Maybe we don't agree on every little way of living it out, but we believe in Christ crucified right?!

Tonight I watched an interview on TBN. Paul Crouch Jr(I think it was) was interviewing Jim Caviezel. I have seen Jim Caviezel say on other programs that he and his wife are Catholic. And of course Paul Crouch is a Protestant, maybe charismatic? Anyway, they were talking about the Passion of the Christ and Jim's new audio bible project. They talked back and forth about God and Jesus and the bible and reading the word and the importance of prayer. They were both sincere and it was obvious that they both loved the Lord.

Isn't that neat? I don't think the interview would have been as moving and glorifying to God if they had argued over the Eucharist or "once saved always saved" or speaking in tongues.You get the idea.

There is a time and place for respectful debate, but if we do not show love and genuine respect...it's all empty! Respectfully disagreeing in love speaks VOLUMES!!

You know what? :) For a really good read on this subject(and more), Go read Blue Like Jazz. And for goodness sake, live humbly and smile! at the members at the church across town! ;)